TURD Spotlight: PK

Tonight, we focus on one of Until Red Dawn's powerhouses, Patrick Knight.

Chosen for his unique ability to make alcoholism appear badass, Patrick "The Drink Drinker" Knight has added much "umph" to TURD. Averaging well over a case each weekend, it appears that this first-round pick has been drinking at least a fifth of his body weight in liquid bread every Thursday-ish to Saturday-ish, because I'm guessing beers weight about a pound each, and I'm betting PK weighs in around 170. Furthermore, if this was a lifetime competition, Knight may very well be the most obese out of all of us right now; the most obese...with beer.


With the final stretch of Beirjing 2K8 this weekend and polls closing at midnight Sunday (by 'polls' I mean 'deadline' and by 'closing' I mean 'happening'), Knight has taken on an ambitious, yet admirable challenge: break TGFG's individual record of 53.5 beers, set by Reid "Jungle-Death" Currie. This may be the weekend to do it, considering the TGFG's recent plague of injuries, including a tonsil surgery, an Asian, and a team acronym slightly less clever Thurgood Gordon Ignatious Friday's already sub-par restaurant chain.

With PK's daunting task ahead of him in which he will "try" to break an Beer Olympic record--and his aforementioned, uncanny "umph"-like presence--TURD certainly has a new motto for the weekend: tryumph.

Injury Report for TURD

l to r: TURD members, Steven Holt and Nick Kimminau

Two of Team Until Red Dawn members were stricken down this past week with an unfortunate case of not being able to drink. Steve Holt!, 17th year senior in Landscape Architecture, found himself victim to the the claws of academics. In regards to his academics, Holt had to offer, "Right now, I'm trying to pass the third grade...the Billy Madison way." With not being able to drink, this now make it approximately a week since he's slept in a wet bed. Steven expects a full recovery in time for OLYMPIC FINALE WEEKEND in Manhattan, KS, where he can both make a handful of huge mistakes and an ass of himself, and cautions teammates, "...As we all know, I have a tendency to make up for lost time when drinking time comes."

Nick Kimminau, Cereal Designer and freshly-appointed Brooklyn Hipster, was on the Colorado leg of his 2008 North American Party Tour when disaster struck. In the midst of a 1v1 Olympic Drinking Match with Going for Gold team member, Matthew Dauffenbach, Nick provided the target for a random girl's projectile vomit at one of Denver's fine night-life establishments. On the incident's effect on the remainder of the evening, Kimminau had to say, "Subsequently, [it] ended drinking for that night." As he makes his way to the Boston Date of the aforementioned 2008 North American Party Tour, Kimminau wanted to make it clear that he will not be letting his teammates down, "All I gotta say is tonight I drink in Boston with Downtown Kevin Brown. My flight isn't until tomorrow afternoon; the heat is on."

A TURD beer count update is anticipated following Nick Kimminau's conclusion of the 2008 North American party tour.

let's do this for the kids, t.u.r.d

The Only Team Recommended by Swayze